A Clean Space

I have never been very good at keeping my room neat. I love having a clean room, and I am embarrassed when it is giant pig sty (which it usually is), but for some reason, even though I seem to be endlessly cleaning it up, it only seems to get messier and messier. I will spend hours beautifying my bedroom to find that it just goes back to the way it was (if not worse) within a couple days... if not a couple hours. But I still keep cleaning it hoping that one day it will be clean for good.

I am amazed at how affected I am by the environment that I am in. A couple weeks ago, feeling the same agitation and frustration that I feel now, I tore down the posters from my wall (I think I stopped feeling like a teenager overnight -- it was very impulsive), moved my furniture around, filled a garbage bag full of old clothes I never wear (which I donated), and cleaned my room until it was spotless. It helped a great deal, but now that everything is, of course, messy again... I feel cluttered and crowded again. I have been such a collector of "stuff" my whole life, and I suppose its finally hitting me that so much of it is pretty useless. So many papers and books and objects and things that I never pay attention to -- yet I find difficult to throw out or give away. I'm sentimental. I'm nostalgic. I'm a Cancer.

What does it say about me that I can't create a permanently peaceful and nurturing environment for myself? Knowing how much I am affected by the space I'm in... is there a piece of me that subconsciously needs to feel some kind of chaos at all times?

....

Clearly I'm procrastinating. Back to picking laundry up off the floor.